Issues i guess

I’ve really come to hate my birth name the past few years. It represents a me that only exists to serve. A me that is only there to help and must obey and be polite no matter what others say to me. A me that isn’t allowed to be anything but kind, forgiving and soft. A helper. An aide. An educator. A knowledgeable employee. Perky. Excited. Stupid.

My birth name is a false face i put on to tolerate people that don’t deserve anything from me. A label for the person they want to pretend i am.

I want to go by Wave in my home life but im too scared of what my family, friends, spouse would even say to a name like that. Its not ‘normal’. Im ‘not trans enough’ to have a dead name, so how could i even ask?

So what do i do? Suffer with hearing the name of a lie used to describe me? Live in fear? Just deal with the sharp stab to my heart every time i hear that god awful name?

I dont know what to do.